April 14, 2019
Chris and I have created life. Some noteworthy qualities of her life: eye contact followed by the most beautiful toothless smile I have ever seen, massive blue eyes with dark hair, a ticklish neck that is constantly filled with food, one foot that kicks around like mad when she gets excited, a snort like giggle that forces your body to be filled with joy-whether you want it or not. I get to be a mother to this beautiful little girl. I get to watch as her sweet little face melts into my chest when she falls asleep. I get to kiss her feet. This little baby has rocked my world- she has brought so much joy into my life, and I know she will continue to do this. I could not love her more.
Something that has upset me from the beginning of my grief journey is when people would tell a story about someone who lost a child- then they would quickly follow up by saying, “It’s okay though…because she got pregnant again”. Whaaaaa… I don’t get it; what part of being pregnant again makes the situation of her dead child okay? It never sat well with me. However, over time, I somehow tricked myself into believing that Annika might take away my pain and that Annika might be my “happily ever after.” Unknowingly, I started to fall into this belief. Until a realization I had today…
Today, I woke up and thought, “Who am I kidding?” The only reason I have this beautiful perspective and recognition of how insanely awesome my life is… is because of Mason. The only reason Chris and Annika have entered my life… is because of Mason. The only reason I know how cell-altering and mind-numbingly beautiful being a mom is… is because of Mason. The only reason that I have had the guts to truly live… is because of Mason. I have recognized that you cannot talk about death, or be affected by death without recognizing life and living. You cannot go through suffering and be ridiculously uncomfortable without getting to the other side of the discomfort and realizing that it was necessary for your growth.
You see, Annika has all the ingredients to mold into my happily ever after. However, she wouldn’t have the foundation to build off of without Mason. She doesn’t have the power to make me happy; I get to choose. I realize that this happy is something that I have earned through heartache, failure, and unbearable pain. I guess what I am trying to say is just because someone has a uterus and the ability to grow a baby inside of it doesn’t mean that the baby they are growing will automatically bring contentment. It may seem like that is an automatic “get out of jail free” card, but it isn’t. The people who make babies after losing one consciously choose what they want life to look like after that baby arrives.
I cannot sit here and pretend that Annika is my happily ever after- without recognizing that Mason has given me the courage to allow her to be.
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