April 22, 2016
Today is the 22nd day that I have been without my son. I still find myself waking in the middle of the night to check on him. Picking up Mikey’s Legos to make sure he doesn’t choke on anything. Waiting to hear his “Hi Mama” welcome when I walk in the door. It seems as if I am living in a dream and will wake at any moment. This isn’t a dream…this is my reality, I struggle with that. I struggle with the loss of control. I struggle with finding the words to comfort my family. I struggle with watching my children experience a pain that I know I can’t take away. The struggle seems endless; through this struggle, though, I am finding beauty. Maybe, for once, I need to embrace the loss of control and see what life has in store for me. Maybe instead of trying to find words I don’t speak- just be. I know my children need to experience this pain, I am sitting back and watching them grieve while offering support through my presence and understanding. Watching my children suffer is almost unbearable. In the last 22 days, I have seen them express more compassion and a deeper love. For example, we were eating lunch with Mason the other day at the cemetery, and Megan decided to go and give flowers to each headstone. Mikey followed suit and started singing songs to all the babies. They both expressed the sadness they have, not just for Mason’s death but for all the death. They both cried and asked me questions regarding the death of all these children. How do you explain the death of 100 children? I have worked hard at giving them comfort and hope when it comes to Mason’s death, but the reality is death sucks. And it sucks that I have to explain the unfairness and sadness in life to a 6-year-old and 5-year-old. I don’t know what life has in store for us. I do know that this family will never be the same; we will face our tomorrows with more sympathy and compassion than we did yesterday. I have just recently realized how unbelievably lucky we are to have each day, for every morning that we wake, we should be grateful. I am not going to foolishly let my days go by without enjoying some sliver of beauty. I encourage each of you to do the same. Please find joy and happiness; don’t waste your days here.
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