August 11, 2016
Today, I took my sweet Megan to kindergarten for her first day. I got her dressed, packed her lunch, and brushed her hair. I watched her giggle with excitement as she saw all of her friends and asked about their summer vacation. As I was going through the motions of this day, I found little joy. I could not help but think about how this shouldn’t be my last first day of kindergarten. This shouldn’t be the last time I watch one of my beautiful children giggle with delight as they are walking through the doors to a wonderful new world of learning. I avoided eye contact with most of the parents today because I knew my response to the question “How was your summer?” would not be one they were not ready to hear. I made the mistake of answering that question once. “Well… it kinda sucked because I have a dead baby.” I was shocked that I let those brash words leave my lips after I said that the people around me looked stunned. In shock, scared of saying anything that might upset the clearly frazzled grieving mother.
Today, I felt vulnerable. Strangers, acquaintances, and friends looked at me and my two children with trepidation and sorrow. Sending my children to a school where I have no control over the questions or conversations that might arise scares me. I have prepared them for such questions by talking very openly about Mason, I let them ask any questions they have, or I listen to them tell the story of his death over and over. I held it together today for Megan and Mikey. I took the classic picture of them next to the school’s sign. I sat with Megan as she traced her hand, and I ate ice cream with them so I could ask about every tiny detail of the day.
Today I took one step closer to recognizing that my life will forever be without Mason. Today I took one step closer to accepting that I will not reach important milestones in Mason’s life. Today, I forced myself to appreciate how incredibly beautiful life is. I am glad today is coming to an end, and I look forward to tomorrow, knowing that I will feel slightly less pain when I wake. Please remember to listen to your loved ones, focus on your moments, and be present wherever you are. Life is too short not to live well.
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