Thankful

November 26, 2016

          Initially, upon facing this day, I accepted the pain. I let myself fall into it, the immense breath-stealing pain that takes over your whole body and knocks you to your knees. I have been working on this, working on controlling the waves- or riding them. Pain sucks, but it also reminds us of how deeply we have loved.

         Since the beginning of this month, I have contemplated writing one thing I am thankful for each day. In this contemplation I gave in to the fact that I don’t have a lot to be thankful for.  I allowed myself 24 days of feeling sorry for myself. Now, my pity party is over. I am going to look at what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children- Mikey, an intelligent, witty, empathetic introvert with love and affection for everything. Megan, a strong-willed, insanely gifted spitfire with a fierce, innocent love for nearly everyone. Mason, a sweet, energetic bundle of joy that brought our family life.

        I am thankful for the countless gifts that Mason gave me and his siblings in his passing. I am thankful for the 660 days I spent with this incredible child. I am thankful that he taught me how unbelievably strong I am. I am thankful for how I displayed my fierce love in his rescue efforts. I am thankful for the courage that I found after his death. I am thankful that I get to see life in a different light after his death. I am thankful that I now see the precious minutes that we throw away on a daily basis, I will not throw them away any longer.

        I think the easier approach to this question would be to describe what I am not thankful for. Of course, that isn’t my style or survival method, so I won’t be focusing on that. 238 days… It has been 238 days since the death of my son. In the last 238 days, I have had to get creative in my quest for joy; in this quest, I discovered joy and found strength. If I can find joy after death, I must have something to be thankful for. I am thankful for morning snuggles and uninterrupted time with my children. I am thankful for my house.  I am thankful for my family. I am thankful that I have realized how unbelievably important family is at the young age of 28. I am thankful for my friends who carry me when I fall, cry with me when I need to, and stand beside me when I work. I am thankful for my personal growth in the last 238 days. I am thankful for my discovery of emotional intelligence. I am thankful that I have revealed a mental and physical strength within myself that I never could have imagined existed. I am thankful that I have experienced the lowest low, as now I have a better understanding of what it means to be human. I am thankful for my ability to surthrive. I am thankful for Mason’s life. I am thankful for Mason’s death; in his death, I discovered how fragile and vulnerable life is.