May 22, 2017
The pleasantries associated with this day are top-notch. In the United States, it seems like everyone and their Grandpa knows that you should find a mother (any mother) and wish them this all-encompassing statement: “Happy Mother’s Day”. Last year, I was grieving so deeply that I didn’t leave the house; I was physically ill to the point of not being able to eat. No one texted me “Happy Mother’s Day,” and no one assumed I would be okay. This year, however, I went into the world, as expected, 400-plus days after Mason died. I walked through a grocery store and a gas station and ate at a restaurant. I had Mikey and Megan with me, making it easy for someone to identify that I was indeed a mother. I had multiple people wish me a “Happy Day”… My reaction was pretty robotic. I didn’t put much emotion into explaining myself to these strangers. My focus was inward. Why was I so distraught about the 30 text messages and the people in the store wishing me happy? Why don’t I want to be a happy mother? What is preventing me from being happy today? Aren’t my surviving children enough?
In my attempt to answer my own questions, I had to dig deeper into what Mother’s Day even means. I have heard this holiday referred to as a hallmark holiday. I have overheard conversations about people not wanting to call their mom because she will talk forever and ask too many questions. I have held space for sadness and confusion surrounding this holiday my whole life, until now.
This is NOT a hallmark holiday- this holiday is everything. Becoming a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn’t think that I was a good mother until I helped my son die. I didn’t know the lengths I would go to until I decided to do CPR on Mason in the emergency room. I wanted to feel the warmth leave his body. I beat myself up daily for not being good enough at cooking or cleaning. I thought that cereal and Legos on the floor would throw me into a category of “lazy moms” who have no standards. But what I didn’t realize is that I am good enough. I am better than good; I am a fierce, loving mother who would do absolutely anything for my children.
Do I think that mothers should be celebrated? Hell yes… Do I think that my friends and family should continue to wish me a happy Mother’s Day? Of course… Because ANY day and EVERY day that I get to be a mother is the best day. Quite honestly, having 660 days with Mason is enough to celebrate for a lifetime. I feel honored that I got to be Mason’s mommy. I feel overwhelmed with joy and contentment that I get to continue to be a mother to Mikey and Megan. To my friends who wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day,” thank you. Please continue with the pleasantries for years to come. I may be a few days late, but to ALL the mothers who are reading this – Happy Mother’s Day- know that you are kicking some serious butt when it comes to motherhood. Keep it up!
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