October 12, 2017
After Mason died, I had a realization. It’s more of an ah-ha moment. I realized that I had been numb to feelings- good and bad- for my entire life. This is something that I wasn’t taught as a child. However, it was something I learned through observation. I observed key adults in my life numb pain and suffering with distraction, work, alcohol, and excessive exercise. I learned that distracting yourself from suffering was a brilliant way to go through life. Why would you sign up to feel pain when you could avoid it? I successfully managed to numb myself emotionally for 28 years.
I was in the back of a police car when I realized that my son was dead. My beautiful, perfect, innocent panda bear was dead. In the seconds following my realization I had an animalistic rage come over me. Anger- deep-rooted gut-wrenching anger took over every piece of me. It was something I had never experienced before. Something that I didn’t even know I had inside of me. Something that I had successfully suppressed for my entire life. Something that I couldn’t possibly suppress for another second. I screamed and yelled at the top of my lungs; I punched the plexiglass in the back of the cop car so hard I thought I broke my hand. Following the anger was profound sadness, grief, fear, and helplessness. On March 31st of 2016 for the first day in my life, I felt.
My expectation when I allowed myself to feel the bad was that I would only feel bad. What I ended up realizing was that I could feel everything. Everything. I realized that making myself numb to the “bad” feelings actually numbed me to all the “good” ones. Often times, when people talk about death, they mention something called collateral beauty. I used to get pissed off when someone would talk about all of the beautiful things that have blossomed from Mason’s death. Now, I realize that it is true. I don’t look at anything like I did before 03/31/16. In the last 559 days, I have been able to love deeper, laugh harder, listen with purpose, feel human emotions to the extent that they can be felt, face my tomorrows with courage and strength, and hold my head high, knowing that I am a fierce, loving woman. I have been able to prioritize my life. I have been able to look at my children and know that my love for them is an all-encompassing cell-saturating love. I have been able to look at people with an altered perspective and empathize with them (#soymilkmatters). I can look at myself in the mirror and know exactly who I am. It turns out I really like myself.
Now, I don’t think we all need an overly traumatic experience to break us from the mundane. We just need someone to point out when we might not be living to our fullest potential. So here I am… pointing it out. Please- let yourself feel- let yourself be vulnerable- let someone love you- love yourself. Life is so beautiful, start living.
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