March 28, 2018
Lately, I have been thankful for what Mason’s death showed me. Let me break it down for you. I am broken, battered, bruised, destroyed, and sometimes I can feel my cells aching. Some days, I struggle to breathe, and most days, I have moments of sadness. This new me… the “broken” me, is working towards being the best version of myself. You see, before Mason died, I thought I was living well. I tricked myself (and everyone else) into believing that I was fine. Mason’s death gave me the courage to say out loud that my life isn’t perfect; in fact, it is far from it. His death showed me how resilient I am. It helped me discover the brutally honest, fierce, loving mother that I had to be. His death let me experience what an incredible community we have. It showed me the depth of my friendships; these women literally walked through hell with me just to keep me company. Mason’s death destroyed me, then showed me that I am strong enough to rebuild myself. I never would have realized how breathtakingly beautiful death can be if it wasn’t for Mason. I never would have decided that I deserve to live a life full of love and passion if Mason hadn’t died.
So thank you Mason for living, and for dying. Without your insanely beautiful life and painfully tragic death I wouldn’t be living this life to its full potential. I thank my lucky stars every day that I got to be your mom… I wouldn’t have traded your 660 days of life for anything. Life has a new direction now, a new purpose, a more vigorous passion for living. I am grateful for this.
Although I have assigned collateral beauty to Mason’s short life, I don’t want you all to be confused about my desires. Every piece of me wants to go back to March 30th of 2016 and prevent this from happening. Sometimes I find myself super pissed off that I have this life perspective. I get mad at myself for not getting mad at a waitress because she waited 45 minutes to give me a menu. If I had a choice, I would go back to the old me in a second. The me that pretended to be okay, that had no real-life perspective. Obviously, I can’t do that. So, I will take the gifts that I have received and run with them. I can’t change the past; I CAN change the way I deal with it. Please try to honor any suffering in your life today, realizing that we can’t grow without suffering a little. Live well, life is short.
Leave a Reply