May 14, 2018
Often I think of what the best day of my life was. Without any hesitation, I have pegged May 6th, 2009, as the best day of my life. At 1:23 in the morning, I welcomed Mikey into the world. At the sight of him I was able to redefine what love is. Love isn’t just patient and kind… Love is a cell-altering, breath-stealing euphoria that some of us are lucky enough to experience. The first Mother’s Day that I got to experience post-childbirth was emotional. I just looked at Mikey and wept. I wept because I was grieving the loss of my old self and recognizing the potential of my new self. I wept because this perfect little human controlled my heart outside of my thoracic cavity. I wept because I felt like the luckiest most unprepared person in the world. I wept because I wasn’t planning on having children… and I realized how my life wouldn’t be nearly as full without him.
I don’t have to think about the worst day of my life. Without hesitation, I have pegged March 31st, 2016, as the worst day of my life. At 9:00 in the morning, I started helping Mason die. This moment in time also helped me redefine what love is. Or maybe it helped me discover the depth of my love. Love isn’t just a cell-altering euphoria. Love is fierce, animalistic, and strong. Love is resilient and brutal. Sometimes it is ugly. Sometimes, it takes a warrior to love as deeply as mothers do. On this day, I wept. I wept because I was grieving the loss of my child and the loss of the old me. I wept because my worst fear had came to fruition. I wept because I realized that the saying “my heart is walking outside of my body” was true. I wept because I feared that Mason felt pain. I wept because I felt like the unluckiest person in the world. I wept because I realized my surviving children would have to live with a pain that is similar to what I feel forever. I wept because I realized that my life wouldn’t be nearly as full without him.
Being a mom isn’t for the weak at heart. It takes more time, effort, and patience than you can shake a stick at. Motherhood hasn’t been a walk in the park for me (or anyone—let’s be honest), but it has taken me outside of my comfort zone and given me permission to be a better version of myself.
I think that many mothers would identify the BEST day of their life as being the day they brought a child into the world and easily empathize with a mother who identifies the worst day as one where a child’s life is taken out of the world. Isn’t this interesting? The most profound moments in our life are surrounded by becoming a parent. I think it’s because at those moments… the really really important ones. We let ourselves be completely human. We let every emotion flood through us as if it were our job to allow time to slow down and experience every second of the pure joy or misery that is helping this moment unfold. Something that I have been working on since Mason’s death is being entirely human, allowing and encouraging myself to be authentically me. This authentic me isn’t always pretty, but it’s real. So here I sit, creating all these moments in my life, with and without the kids. These moments where time is slowing down and I am recognizing the beauty. Motherhood has taught me more than I EVER imagined it would.
In the midst of the chaos that is in our lives, try to slow down and be human every once in a while. Encourage yourself to discover feelings in a wide variety of moments throughout your day. All of a sudden, life will be richer and full of meaning. I feel lucky that Mason taught me to be more human… I’m hoping that he can help teach you all, too. Happy Mother’s Day friends. Keep showering your kiddos with love and giving kisses when they don’t want to.
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