October 28, 2018
I am expecting my fourth baby. Chris and I are anxiously awaiting our sweet baby girl. This pregnancy has been incredible on every level. An incredible shift in the direction of life, an incredible transformation of who I am and who I thought I would become, an incredibly scary emotional journey that is forcing me to take steps toward healing. An incredible “Ah-Ha” moment that helped me realize that new life can (and will) find a way. Now, this has not been all unicorns and rainbows. Having a baby after losing one has proven to be complicated. I suppose most people would think that it is hard knowing that your baby might live longer than the last one who died. Or, it is hard not becoming a helicopter parent who dictates anything and everything that might come this child’s way. That’s not what I am scared of. I am scared of loving and losing again.
For those of you that are parents. Remember that moment that you saw your baby? The moment when you realized that you would do anything and everything to protect this little one? The moment that you realized that the only reason you were on this earth was to love and provide for this human? I remember. I have loved fiercely with all of me. The deep, consuming love that tricked me into believing if I loved this hard, this much, this intensely, nothing bad could happen. That life, the universe, God wouldn’t take that love away. How could something so completely and breathtakingly beautiful be taken? It doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, if you’re lucky enough, you don’t have to learn the “life lessons” that some of us endure. Sometimes, if you get the short end of the stick, you have to go through it. Endure the bad, suffer, and hope you surthrive. So here I am, surthriving 2 years and 7 months after losing Mason. Looking at myself in the mirror and noticing that my body has transformed into a vessel for life, nurturing and supporting a new human. Here I am, 36 weeks pregnant and scared. Scared of the “moment” the “moment” when I look at her for the first time and everything changes. I realize now that that moment will never be as ignorant and blissful as it was in the past. Could it be better? More profound? More life-altering?
Now, I have mulled this over for the last 8 months. I decided to allow myself to fall head over heels in love with her, the ignorant kind. I have decided not to allow my past to ruin her future. I have decided that I am lucky to have this baby (and her handsome daddy) as part of the people that I get to love blindly. Will the moment I see her be different? Holy shit, YES. But this new me… the broken me… has a better perspective on the value and beauty of life.
I still approach life like I only have 660 days to live. I still live a fierce no bullshit kind of life that has proven to be exciting and unpredictable. I have an insatiable hunger for showing family and friends the good, and not be consumed by the bad. This baby’s life is going to be amazing. I am going to teach her to find the extraordinary in the ordinary, the beauty in the imperfections, the growth potential in the hard times, and most importantly to live life like you won’t be here forever. I hope she is ready for a wild ride because her life is going to be incredible.
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